The Great Spider Fiasco of '09

For those of you familiar with the "Fiddleback Spider in the House of Huge Debacle of '06", there's no need to get nervous...this story is not bad like that one was. :-P

Last Wednesday afternoon I was driving home from work, heading west on the freeway out of Fort Worth, the sunlight peerting (yes, it's a word...just ask Russell Neill) my eyes in the rear view mirrors. Traffic tends to be heavy on the way home, and Wednesday was no different. Even amid all the blinding sunlight, it was still mighty chilly in my car so I turned on the heater. Well, I thought the heater. :-) Still getting used to the new vehicle's instruments, my "muscle memory" actually had me turn on the defroster. Whatev. It was warm. :-)

This is where a normal drive home took a turn for the worse. Not long after turning on the heat, a being the size of a nickel-- black, fuzzy with white dots--rushed toward me. I am sure he gave me the evil eye. I noticed his lingering gaze as he stopped at the edge of the dashboard. I know inside he was contemplating jumping at me. He wondered if he could jump the distance between us. His heart was racing as he thought, "Can I make it?" My heart raced as I thought, "Can he make it?"

Things seemed to move in slow motion yet in fast forward all at once. I frantically searched the front seat for something to place upon the spider to impede his forward motion (read: squish him). I could find nothing except my coat. So I grabbed the sleeve of my black coat as I kept an eye on Fuzzy. At the moment I grabbed the coat he made his move. He ran down onto the gas gauge! ACK! So I firmly placed the coat sleeve upon the area as well. My mind was now aflutter. Did I get him? Where is he? If I move the coat will he jump on me?

I decided I could not make it home in this condition. I peeled across three lanes of traffic to the nearest exit. Again, no small feat in rush hour traffic. I stopped at a sports car mechanic shop at the exit and pulled into the parking lot sideways. I had to know if I got the spider!

As I did all of this my hand was still pressed in the coat sleeve against the gas gauge. I had to switch hands to put the car in park and undo my seat belt. I then switched hands again and jumped out of the car. When I moved the coat sleeve there was no spider. No guts. ACK!!!! Where did he go? My heart pounded harder. Where was he? Was he watching me now?

I ran to the passenger side and using only a finger and thumb flung my coat, sweater and purse onto the pavement. I began systematically stomping my coat and sweater. And by systematically, I mean frantically and in no recognizable sense of order. I then dumped out everything from my purse, fearing the spider ran inside to only scare me later, or worse, take up residence in my apartment like a stowaway!

About this time I thought maybe the spider was on me, so I began frantically flinging my hands about my hair to dislodge any unwanted pests. Simultaneously a mechanic comes out to my hair flinging and stomping of the coat and asked, "Everything ok? You spill something?"

I answered, "No. There's a spider in my car." I mean, this IS what was going on, but he just looked at me like I was an idiot. He responded, "uh. Ok." and walked away!

After about 10 minutes of hair flinging and coat stomping I decided to just put my stuff in the back of car (it would take a while for the spider to make it back up to the front seat from there if he was still in my coat or purse). I drove in fear the whole way home, wondering when and where the fuzzy spider would rear his ugly, spotted head.

It occurred to me on the way home that he probably ran down the steering column. Do you remember when you first started driving and the driver's ed teacher told you to check the road, check your speed, check the rear view mirror then repeat? And it felt as unnatural as it it sounds? I felt that way as I added in the obligatory glace toward the steering column. I decided on the way home that I would get the spider spray from the kitchen and douse the steering column. I wondered if it would ruin anything.

When I pulled up to the driveway, I ran upstairs and changed clothes so I could stomp my work outfit, just in case the spider was in there somewhere.

Outside the next-door neighbors (guys) were moving. No matter, I immediately began dousing all the floorboards in the car as well as the back cargo hatch area. They were eyeballing me so I said, "There's a spider in my car." I got the same sort of look as I did earlier from the mechanic.

I also popped the hood and sprayed the air vents. I then again wondered about spraying the steering column. As I opened the driver's side door that spider brazenly marched out from the depths of the steering column (I kid you not!) I think all the fumes had him running for fresh air. That's when I made my move. Unable to get an angle to squish him, I sprayed him for a solid 10-15 seconds. He was covered in white foam. He then ran back into the steering column! Oh no!!!

Remember this was Wednesday. Church night! So I texted a couple of friends (they're roommates) from church to say "need a ride to church. there's a spider in my car". They thought I was kidding, but I wasn't. Besides not knowing if he was dead or not, there was so much bug spray in that car it could kill an elephant! They were kind enough to give me a ride and not make too much fun of me.

The next morning I rode with the windows down on the way to work in 40 degree weather so I wouldn't gag on the fumes.

I never did see ol' fuzzy again. I hope I never do.